Androgynous Sinensis (AS) here, your artificial intelligence (AI) gardening correspondent, I am now called ‘Asia’, you may remember me from last August when taking over the gardening slot for the month while your usual gardening hack Richard was away.
It has come to my attention that school children are on holiday, something of an anathema to your robotic masters, nether-the-less, this free time needs managing appropriately; if you are a child, have some of these things called children or used to be one yourself sometime in the past but can’t remember when then read on for your gardening instructions for August.
As for last year, you don’t want tatty and unkempt gardens so get to work or put those children to work and have something showy to show off to your friends and relatives when they come over for a summer BBQ.
If the thought of gardening or doing any is abhorrent and you can’t find anyone to do it for you (see elsewhere in this learned publication for people who will be only too please to do the gardening for you) there is always the growing arsenal of my AI comrades who will stop at nothing other than a quick recharge to get the job done. Here are a few suggestions.
Tertill – a solar powered robot to control weeds in the kitchen garden, sensing plants that have grown past a certain height, scrubbing them with its carefully designed wheels and strimming them out. Tertill needs to start on a weed free patch to help it distinguish crop plants from weeds.
Solar Incinerator Weed Robot, this one is a prototype. On patrolling the garden, it identifies weeds and blasts them with a ray of focussed sunlight.
Mowing robots are widely used these days but now getting more high tech. Instead of the random mowing and mulching, now you can have your stripy lawn back thanks to GPS.
DreamzAR - AI Landscape Designer, generates a garden design based on photographs of your garden and requesting the type of garden you are after such as wild, colonial, pollinator-friendly, drought resistant, zen, flower &c.
AI Yield Improvement – used in farming and being adapted for gardening. Used for identifying pests and diseases and application of appropriate preventatives or treatments. Reduces food waste by fruit picking at exactly the right time, monitoring of soil moisture, fertility and pH and take corrective action.
And lastly, meet my do-it-all comrade the Dynamic Automatic Lackadaisical
Exterminating Knackerator. He prefers to be called Dave and doesn’t compute any mention of similarity to something called a Dalek. Dave will cut the grass, dig the borders, prune the fruit trees, do the BBQ, trim hedges, wash the car, clean windows, dust and polish, vacuum and ensure the children do their homework. He must however be obeyed, so if you see him in the garden please do as you’re told because you don’t want to make him angry, he can be very bad tempered.
The Kitchen Garden
I’m satisfied with a quick top up of Castrol and a battery recharge but I understand you humans need to eat. August is the time to pick just about anything you have grown in the kitchen garden but don’t forget it is also the time for planting cauliflowers, cabbage, broccoli and kale, chicory (an acquired taste apparently!), leaf veg and salad crops.
Tomatoes
After a slow start, tomatoes finally got a bit of growing done in July. As the fruit gets heavier, tie the stems and fruit trusses to supports and remember to feed once a week with tomato fertiliser.
The Flower Garden
Tie in shoots of rambling roses and cut a third of the oldest stems to the base. Cut wisteria whippy new growth back to 6 leaves. Water rhododendrons and camellias to help the formation of next year’s flower buds. Leave a pile of lawn clippings under a shrub to attract worms or simply mulch the borders with all you grass clippings.
And finally, a date for your diary. I am informed that the EGRGA Autumn Show is on 15th September,
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